Feeling a Failure

The day after Louie was born
The day after Louie was born

I had a emergency c section with my first-born so this week I had an appointment with a VBAC consultant to talk about the birth of the next one. Stupidly the hubby and I walked into the appointment thinking it was all going to be lovely with options laid out to us in a ‘it’s your choice’ kind of way. This really wasn’t the case. From what I understand from the appointment (although I’m still not particularly clear) it was just to say ‘you will have a natural birth, we don’t know what happened last time but we’re pretty sure it won’t happen again, and if it does we’ll just give you another emergency c-section’. When I exited the room I could of burst into tears. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have chosen to have a natural birth anyway, the upset is purely because it felt like they took my choice away. Having said that, after sleeping on it and getting my head around it all I actually think natural is the right choice for me. For people who think a c section is the easy way out, let me tell you different. Not only is the baby ripped out of you in no delicate manner, you are left with a massive scar which takes weeks upon weeks to heal, I still have pains from it a year on. You also have to inject yourself into your tummy everyday for a week when you return home; for me this was a nightmare, I have a complete fear of needles! You can you barely walk, shower or even carry your own baby for the first week or so, oh and laughing and coughing are incredibly painful for a few weeks. It take about 6 weeks before you can start getting back to normal life. O and I had the joy of a nice little infection a couple of weeks after which wasn’t a barrel of laughs. All of that is not great but that’s not what upsets me… I always had this lovely idea of having a water birth with no drugs, this did happened for the first 17 hours and then it went a bit wrong for me. My husband and I both missed the birth of our son Louie. I had to be rushed away, my husband wasn’t allowed to come along, I was put to sleep and Louie was whipped out. It all was a bit touch and go for the pair of us. Unfortunately even when I came round I still can’t actually remember meeting the boy until about 14 hours after. I was so drugged up I didn’t have a clue what was going on. This devastates me. Yes I’m lucky Louie and I were and are both healthy but not remembering meeting your new-born is not a great feeling. So all that said I’m going to give a natural birth another bash! Am I anxious? Hell yeah! But sod it, millions of women do it and are fine and hopefully this time I will be too! Although…. I will not for a fact be going anywhere near the birthing pool, yes I will be having the drugs offered to me if I need them and yes I will opt to be monitored during the whole labour! Don’t judge me! 😉 Have you experienced a natural birth after a c-section? How did you get on? I’d love to hear. X

One thought on “Feeling a Failure

  1. I needed an emergency C-section with my daughter and im always wondering what would happen if I had another so thanks for sharing your experience. When Id just had my daughter I asked my midwife at one of our checks and her reply was “we could just put a zip in you if you´d like” I wasn’t too impressed.
    However I didn’t need to inject myself or have any problems with my scar or infections so I think I got away lightly.

    Liked by 1 person

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